Tuesday, September 29, 2015

This was not OK (regrets)

I have one major regret from StrangeLoop. I want to apologize and find a kinder way to be.

At dinner the last night, I said something mean about Tony Morris. I've never met Tony Morris. I have a feeling of certainty that he was mean to people in the Scala community, and this contributed to a splintering of the community. I am not in favor of communities including or elevating people who are mean to anyone else. See Pieter Hintjens on this.

And I was wrong to speak scornfully of him. I can see this because I saw the hurt in Philip Wadler when I said it. Later he mentioned collaborating with Tony Morris on some important work.

People aren't all bad or all good. Some of us are horrible and fantastic. Mean in some situations and great contributors elsewhere. The good and the bad, they don't cancel each other. Both exist. We are not a sum; there is not a one-dimensional number line between "good" and "bad." 

If he caused a splintering in a community, then probably that community is better off without his direct participation. And if he collaborated on great work with someone else, or did great work alone, I am grateful for it. 

If I denigrate him or that work, by implication or indirectly, then I am causing splintering in the community. I ruined a chance to exchange ideas with Philip Wadler, who was extremely kind to me (he even didn't show his hurt feelings) and who invited me to that dinner. Who is bringing excellent ideas, in code and in talks, to the whole programming community. Who is wide open to new ideas and experiments.

I don't yet know the best way to talk about these community problems, which are very important to discuss. Now I know that it is not by denigrating or scorning anyone. I need, I feel it in my soul, to celebrate everyone in the times when they shine, to cherish the contributions they do make, even when they don't shine in every situation. We can celebrate this without perfect inclusivity (there is no such thing). I deserve to be excluded from that dinner; it would have made everyone else more comfortable, a net win for the community. And separately, I do help in other ways. Can't belong everywhere. 

I am sorry. I see that my words caused pain and it's my fault. In the future I will endeavor to not speak scornfully of anyone. To criticize actions and people-in-roles only when working on improving the system, not a whole person ever. To deal with my own experience of being bullied instead of lashing out whenever my brain makes an association with it. 

I want to be a source of healing and encouragement to a community, not further splinter it. Thank you for your patience.